Validation

Today things are really hard. You know what I'm finding awfully difficult at the moment? A lack of.... validation. I feel like so much of what I do is so- nothing.

I always thought that being a Mother was such an important job, and I still do think that. But it's amazing how much better the simple fact that I was being paid made me feel. It validated me. It's funny, because I always used to say that working in childcare wasn't about the money (because we were paid peanuts). And I honestly didn't think it was. But there's still something about going to work every day, talking to people about what you are doing, having people tell you what a good job you are doing, and seeing what a good job you are doing. Now, I just feel so insignificant and ineffectual. One more grain of sand on an endless beach.

Also, I was good at working in Childcare. I was good at dealing with sixteen children a day, and I really enjoyed it. I knew exactly what to do, we had a solid routine, I was in control, in charge, I took great care of those children, I could deal with problems and- I was really good at what I did. Now, I feel like I'm just doing the best I can, surviving. I just want to be good at something.

I knew, going into Motherhood, that this was not going to be easy. I thought I'd be okay because I knew better than most how hard it was going to be. It wasn't like I was unprepared. I had a sister who had 4 children, I had worked with babies, toddlers, preschoolers. I knew about kids. I knew about the sleepless nights, I knew about the difficulty of washing and cleaning and cooking. I knew that being a Mummy is a difficult, thankless task. But I didn't really know until I did it, you know?

I guess I thought I'd have more answers. Maybe I thought there was something magic about motherhood, as you gave birth all this wisdom would just magically appear... and suddenly I would be one of those hallowed fountains of knowledge 'A Mummy'. And I'd know about sick children and eating and breastfeeding and how warm should a baby be in bed..... but I didn't. In fact the further I go along in this the less I think I know.

I hate that I feel like I'm just stumbling my way along in this. I try to act like I know what I'm doing so no-one will see the cracks. But I just keep falling apart. Little, stupid things, make me feel so overwhelmed. I'm just so tired of everything and I long for a change. I'm really tired, but I can't sleep at night. It's stupid, I'll be exhausted all day, and then as night comes, I seem to get more and more alert. And so by 9pm, I'm buzzing. I generally can't sleep until at least 11pm. And I have a baby who sleeps. She sleeps really well by most standards. She's asleep right now- and I should be too. But I can't. I have to let my mind get this out.

I really don't want to admit it, but I've got this horrible fear in the back of my mind that I'm dealing with Post-Natal-Depression. And I'm just so scared of that. I don't want to go to a Doctor and be medicated.  I was so sure that I'd be okay. And I don't want to depressed. And sometimes I don't think I am. I'm not sad all the time, sometimes I can still be happy and be fine. I don't want to hurt Georgie... or myself. I love her too much to do that to her, but I just feel like crap that I'm not a better Mum to her.

I've got all these great people around me that I know I could turn to- and I do... to some degree. Shane is doing the absolute best he can, and I know that. He is doing really well as a husband and a Father. But he's not the problem. I am. And I don't want people to fix this for me, or take this burden away. I want to be able to be okay with this.... But mostly I just want to sleep. Or run away. I feel like I've lost me.

It just never, ever, stops, you know? I miss having set hours, having routine, being able to stop because I've done enough. Lately I just feel like it's never enough. I'm never enough. I know I need things to get better. I want to be happier. I want to be more disciplined and more on track and in control. But the mountain just feels too big to climb at the moment. So someone, please, just tell me that things will get better. Could you please tell me that this too shall pass? Show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I am aware that I have the sense of humour of a 6 year old..... and I'm okay with it.

I came across this hilarious quote, and I just have to share it. It's a bit silly, but I am incredibly tired (teething baby) and I just LOVED it!



Ready?....






To err is human but to arr is pirate.






You're welcome.

In which my daughter ingests her first bug, and I am Thanking God for the little (and not so little) things

My bathroom is a place where crickets go to die. There is always at least one dead cricket on the floor- and generally more than one. It's partly because the bugs are insane at the moment and partly because we have one of those fan/heat/light things on the ceiling and at night when I'm in the bathroom I hear them jumping around up there trying to get to the light. Occasionally one will fall from the sky and land in my bath.

This morning I was drying my hair and Georgie was crawling around near my feet. I was keeping an eye on her because there was a dead cricket near the wall, (which I should have picked up, but... well, shoot, you know?) but then I got distracted because I had to duck outside to tell Chloe to "Stop Barking and Get Inside Right Now!" When I walked back into the bathroom I noticed Georgie chewing something and my eyes darted to the spot where the dead cricket had been. Alas, it was no longer there. I frantically raced to Georgie (who started giggling because Mummy was making a funny strangled whimpering kind of noise) and put my finger in her mouth to try to remove said cricket. But then Georgie swallowed and all I managed to retrieve was a lone cricket leg.

Oh well.

So far it hasn't repeated on us, and I'm hoping it's gone now. Right now I'm just reminding myself of John the baptist eating locusts in the desert. 


And today I am being grateful......

This morning I stepped on the scales to reveal a 1.8kg loss. *happy dance*

After I got out of the shower and realised I had no clean bras and nothing clean to wear, I remembered a bag that my Mother-in-law had given me yesterday containing some clothes we had left at her house when we were away, and viola! a bra and some shorts and a shirt appeared, all fresh and clean (I should leave clothes behind often!)

Today my husband is coming home for lunch. (Not a regular occurrence in this household and definitely something worth being grateful for) and I saw that the loaf of bread was almost finished, but then I remembered that I had made an extra loaf and it was sitting in the freezer for such a time as this.

This morning I rang a friend who has been having a tough time with a sick family and they seem to be doing better and we are hopefully catching up this afternoon.

Today my family is safe, and healthy (aside from what crickets may do to a baby's digestive system) it is a beautiful day, we have enough food to eat, and life is pretty good.


And I am not going to let myself get all worked up over a cricket and my worry over supposed bad mothering. Besides, aren't crickets a delicacy in some countries? Georgie's just getting a head start on exposing herself to cultural food experiences.


That's my story anyway and I'm sticking to it.

You don't wear my chains

Everyone has problems. Some are enormous and some are not.  The young guy who goes to your church tried to commit suicide four years ago. That married couple you know that just seem to have life so easy? The husband is addicted to porn. That man who you see at the coffee shop has insomnia. Those people down the street who always smile and wave? She suffered from post-natal depression. These old people? They could never have children. That perky teenager at the local takeaway store? She cuts herself. That teacher who goes on all those holidays all the time? She wants to get married but her boyfriend doesn't. That woman with the three beautiful children? Her mother is sick. That man who is always on stage with the local performing arts society is constantly questioning his own worth. The beautiful woman who you see at playgroup and whose husband sings so well and seems to adore her? They are struggling to make ends meet.  That woman over on the other line at the supermarket? She struggled with anorexia as a teenager. That moody pre-teen has a father who has just left and she thinks it's her fault. And maybe some people are just struggling with life in general.



It's easy to look at people and think they've got it all together. But how well do we really know those around us? We don't share everything. Sometimes we don't need to. But at the same time, don't judge another person based on the tiny bit you know about them.

Often I get quite frustrated because, (living in my home town especially) I am surrounded by so many people who know me. They've seen me grow up, or they know my family, or they are my family- and therefore they make their judgments on me based on what they know. But we don't know everything. You don't know people's innermost secrets. You don't know what's going on in someone's mind.

I struggle with my self worth many days. I have trouble looking in the mirror sometimes. Many nights my husband comes home and I torture him with my behaviours, for no good reason- simply because he's there. As a  teenager I had huge problems with my body image and struggled on the brink of bulimia in my final year of school. I had problems with friends and social interaction sometimes at school and spent many of my childhood days hiding in the library or in the toilets. I worry some days that I have post-natal depression (I don't think it's possible not to have your first child and not struggle with PND on some level). And that's just a fraction of what is in my head.

This is not to be all doom and gloom and say 'Oh look at me, isn't my life hard? Feel sorry for me!' Life is not all pain and difficulty. But I am trying to say; Look at me, I have GREAT family support, and many of my life lessons have been relatively easy. So if I struggle like this, how much more might others?

You can't tell who people are just by looking at them. Now I know that there's some horrible things that happen to people. Many people have been dealt terribly unfair blows. And some of us are just dealing with the little everyday things that come our way. But people's problems are just that. Their problems. We all struggle with something. But regardless, I just think that we shouldn't judge books by a few pages.

And now on a much lighter note...

Conversation between Shane and I tonight....

Scenario: Georgie had just recently gone to bed. I was watching 'You've got mail' in the lounge room and Shane was in the office working on his Communion message for Sunday.

Me: (Coming into the office) Hey honey, can I look at something on the computer for a second?

Shane: (Grumpy) Oh, fine- but be quick, I had just found the verse I wanted.

Me: (looking up 'You've got mail' images on Google- [gotta love it]!- and then looking at a picture of Meg Ryan.) What do you think I'd look like with that haircut?

Said Picture

Shane: I think you don't need to get your hair cut, because you'll just get it short and then come home all sad because they won't have gotten it right and you'll wish you're hair was long again. Then you'll moan about how you can't put your hair up and I'll have to listen to it.

Me: Yeah, but I always wear it up anyway.

Shane: And you say that every time, and every time you get it cut short, wait for it to grow long enough for you to tie up and then wear it up again. Do what you want to your hair- just don't moan to me about it. And tell the people down the road to stop playing their music so loud.

Me: You're a grumpy old man tonight aren't you?

Shane: Yes, I can't wait until I have grey hair and wrinkles and can be a grumpy old man and nobody will think anything of my grumpiness because I'll be an old man. This Communion message is going nowhere.

Me: Love you. You want a hot chocolate?

Shane: Okay.

I love being married. Sometimes it's so, so hard, but it's really nice. In other news, I'm thinking of getting my hair cut short, what do you think?

an odd dream

A few weeks ago I had a very bad dream. I can only remember a fraction of it- but at any rate here it is.


It was around the World War Two era, and Shane, Georgie and I were Jews. We were in Europe and the war was just starting. Shane was working as a gardener (!?) and his boss was a Nazi who didn't know we were Jews, and when he found out he sent us to run away instead of sending us to camp because he liked Georgie. (It was a dream okay?) But it wasn't quite like it really was. Instead of Yellow stars on your clothes, you carried a yellow rubber button, and things were just.... different.

Then in my dream we went into hiding with my family, and we were hiding in an old building, but they were coming to get us, so we were running through the building trying to hide further in, and it was all just horrible. And suddenly it turned out, we weren't Jews, they were coming for us because we were Christian- and it wasn't WWII, it was now.

And then I woke up.

Now I know it was just a dream, and I don't think that I'm a prophet. But it threw me. Because the fact is, one day all Christians will be persecuted. In many countries they already are. We won't always have the freedom we currently enjoy. We won't always be able to be so blase about our faith. And it scared me.

I wonder what kind of world Georgie is going to grow up in. What kind of world I will grow old in. I know Jesus is coming..... but I want to be selfish and say, 'don't come until I'm gone!... and until my children are gone!". But then I know that he's going to come at the right time. I just worry that we really don't know what's in store for us. But He is our hope. He is God. And we just have to trust him and keep going.

A lazy man's post about a lazy woman....

We had a lot of rain over the weekend, so this was how I cleaned the high chair...

 

Basically I just put it outside and let the rain do the rest for me. Lazy? Yes, but super-easy!

My loving list...

Today I'm participating in Things I'm loving over at PaisleyJade's :) and here are the Things I'm loving....




A Sunday with my family.....

These silly faces.....

Oh, and this stuff!! Worth it's weight in gold at our house at the moment (someone has her first ear infection!)

Did You Know?

This scares me a little... especially when I think of Georgie growing up.

Anton Chekhov, you never spoke a truer word.

 

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. 

~Anton Chekhov

You know which bible character I have great respect for at the moment? Jacob. He may have been a bit of a bad guy- (you know, with the whole birthright stealing thing) but, man, he knew about perseverance!

For those of you who don't know the story, basically Jacob loved and wanted to marry a woman named Rachel. But her father said that he had to work for him for seven years before he could. Jacob did, but then, on the night of the wedding, her Father gave Jacob Rachel's sister, Leah instead. Jacob didn't notice this until the next morning (EPIC fail!). When he went to the Father and said "What gives?" He was told he could have Rachel as well if he worked for another seven years. And he did.

Now, I don't know about you, but this story really makes me think. Jacob worked fourteen years, to marry the woman he loved. Fourteen years! I think if you asked most men to wait fourteen years before they could marry the woman they loved (and work for her Dad too no less!) you'd be told where you could go in no uncertain terms. Heck, most married couples these days are lucky to last that long! But Jacob did it.

He isn't the best, or the brightest bible character. He did some pretty dodgy things, and I know that there are many other more honourable people in the bible. But right now, for me, I'm remembering Jacob. 

It's hard not to get bogged down in the mundane, the everyday. I think, that in many ways, it's actually easier to face hardship and crisis. But when you're doing the same thing, day in, day out- life can get pretty tough. So I think Jacob is a good example to us all, that sometimes you've just got to suck it up, and stick it out (I know that sounds so wrong, but just go with it okay?). Even though it may seem like forever when you're going through hard times. 

Now don't get me wrong, I do agree with those who say 'Life's too short to do something you hate'... to a point. But really, if nobody did anything they didn't want to, we'd all be living in pretty filthy houses. There would be lots of artists and musicians and people who got to do all the fun stuff. But there wouldn't be many sewerage workers or garbage men. And, that would be a pretty icky world to live in.

So for now, I'm going to go clean the bathroom and mop the floor. And I'm very grateful that my husband is at work. It's not easy to do things that you don't want to do. But at the end of the day, I think we grow more character and discipline in the day-to-day monotony, than we do in a crisis. I know people say, you don't really know who you are until you've been tested, and sometimes you don't. But I also think that who you are every single day of your life says more about a person's true character, and it determines what will happen when the crisis comes.

Bucket List

Today I watched the film 'The Bucket List' and it made me think about my own bucket list.

So here it is:

1. Stay up all night, just for fun. Not because I'm up with a baby, or because I have to. Just because I want to. Stay up all night just to see the sun rise.

2. Make a new friend, a really good friend, all by myself.

3. Witness a miracle.

4. Go bungee jumping. (I wanted to go when we went skiing in New Zealand, and Shane wouldn't let me, but one day, when my children are older, I'm going to go back and do it)

5. Spend a year without television.

6. Watch my children grow up.

7. Go to London.

8. Drive the Great Ocean Road with Shane.

9. Do a triathlon

10. Share my testimony to a congregation.

11.  Go on a boat, and go far out enough on the water so that I can't see land at all.

12. Go on a family holiday with my entire family (Mum Dad, sisters, etc)

13.Write something great.

12. Snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef.

13. Go to Canada.

14. Witness to somebody. Share my faith.

15. Get my manual license.

16. Win something. Something big.

17. See the Aurora Borealis. (Northern Lights)

18.  Learn to knit

19. Move somewhere where we know nobody.

20. Go camping. (and I mean serious camping in a tent, for like, a week or more- cabins don't cut it)

21. Fast. Do a serious biblical-type fast, for a very good reason.

22. Go to Israel. Stand where Jesus stood.

23. Ride a galloping horse (and don't fall off!)

24. Watch all of the Star Wars movies.

25. Ski down an advanced run (successfully)

This would be a photo of me just after I skied down a beginners run very UNsuccessfully!

Insert witty post tittle here

Georgie has been sick over the weekend. We've had a horrible couple of nights and I've been getting pretty stressed. Today when Shane got home he told me to go have half and hour, so I put a leash on Chloe and we went for a walk.

As I was walking I went past my old work and I started thinking about life before Georgie. I used to be incredibly busy, days were very full. I would wake at around 6:30am and go for a walk, then start work at 8:30am, and finish at 6pm with an hour for lunch. My work was pretty energetic, as I was the Group Leader in the pre-kindy room and was in charge of 16 children. I would generally go to the gym at 6pm, and do an exercise class of some description and not be home until 7:30pm or so, when I'd cook a very easy dinner, watch television for a while and then go to bed. Most days I would also ride my bike to work and then to the gym.  Shane started work at 5am and didn't get home until about 7pm. Life was pretty busy.

Now, Shane still leaves for work at around 5am. He normally gets Georgie up and brings her into bed with me, where I feed her and then she and I go back to bed until we wake, generally at around 8am. Then my days are filled with cleaning, Playgroup on Tuesdays, cleaning, coffee with friends, cleaning, groceries, cleaning.... and that's about it. I try to walk when I can, but I just seem to find it very difficult.

I don't want my old life back. I love Georgie to bits, and Shane and I see a lot more of each other and are much closer than we've ever been. But I still miss how full my days were. I long to be busy, busy, busy- constantly on the go and moving and doing. Life is much... slower, now. I don't want it to be this slow. I don't want to be as busy as I was before, but I wish I had a better balance than I do now, you know?

I can't sleep. But I'm always so tired. I just have so much trouble switching off. Many nights I can't sleep until at least midnight. I think some of that is because Georgie and I have been sleeping in lately, (partly due to the fact that we've been up in the night a lot recently due to teething and her being sick, and honestly, if you had a child who would sleep in wouldn't you?), and I know some of it is because I just enjoy the solitude of the night, when everyone's asleep and I can be alone without someone requiring something of me, but I also think some of it is because I'm just desperate to do.

I know that the busyness will come with more children. But I need to be more disciplined now. It was just so much easier when work did it for me.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make myself wake up at 6:30am, regardless of what kind of night's sleep I had. I'm going to try to finish my Diploma in Children's services this year, and I'm going to make myself walk every day. I'm going to try. I just wish things weren't so hard.

Her Mummy

The local performing arts society in my town is doing a production of.......

And I want to be in it REAL bad. I think I could pull off Sandy.... (maybe? :)

However, I have a baby,  and with Shane's unpredictable hours there's just no way it can happen. It's quite frustrating because I'm finally at a stage where I have less inhibitions and would really enjoy being in a musical production, and my town hasn't really done a production that I would have loved to be in for a while.....

But she needs me. I am her Mummy. Something nobody else can be. And sure, I could probably (if I swung things right) be in the production. But it would be very unsettling for her. I would have to enlist an awful lot of help from my Mum (who doesn't need to be a babysitter all the time- especially when she is also working) and it would probably put an awful lot of strain on Shane too, especially if I was in a lead role.

There will be other productions. But Georgie will only be my baby once. So in the meantime, I will help out as much as I can with the choreography, which is still lots of fun. And I will remember that some people would give their eye teeth for all that I have. I am a Mummy. I am her Mummy.

In which I say not much at all....

Today was a day filled with sleeping and pyjamas and cuddles and playing peek-a-boo and washing (oh! the washing!) and not too much else.

We got back from being away yesterday, and boy was it a big trip! First and most importantly.... Wicked was fan-freaking-tastic! So, so, so, so great! I can't stop singing the songs, but I don't know them very well, so I just keep singing 'Pop-u-lar, you're going to be Pop-u-ooo-lar!' and yes, it's very irritating!

Next, while we were away Georgie cut her first tooth! It was not a great weekend for the cutting of teeth to occur. We were in a reasonably small hotel room for two nights, and those two nights were the worst we have EVER had with her. They consisted of lots of walking up and down corridors, pushing a pram, trying her in the baby carrier, crying, swearing and grizzling! I swear every time she got to sleep she would wake up within 20 minutes! Also, our air conditioner in the motel room broke on Friday night and started pouring out hot air, so at 3am Georgie was boiling hot and I put her in the bath to cool her down, which, in turn, woke her up, and then she didn't go back down until 5:30. It was just bad all round.

But the Saturday night was much better in comparison. It really helped that Shane and I had had a better afternoon on Saturday, and were less inclined to tear each others heads off... but it was touch and go there for a while my friends I'm telling you!

We also left our pillows in the motel room. And I know, it shouldn't matter that much, but it was my favourite pillow!! And I really really miss it! Also, I left a book that a friend lent me in one of the pillowcases (Bad friend!)  However I rang the hotel yesterday and they are supposed to be sending them back, so I'll be quiet!

But seriously.... my favourite pillow!

On the upside we got to catch up with some friends on Sunday night.  They're the kind of people you can catch up with, and it doesn't matter how long it's been, you're just so comfortable. You know those friends you see, and you don't feel like they're putting on a 'front' with you, and you don't have to be anyone but you with them? It was just nice.

We also had a really great time with my family. We went out for Greek on Saturday night- yummy! And then we had the most amazing breakfast on Sunday morning before we walked down to the river and wandered at the markets. It was just so lovely. I really enjoy the city, but still, I wouldn't want to live there. I just wish we could take a little bit of it back home with us. Our town isn't exactly the most exciting of places. But it is still so nice to be home.

The trip back was pretty uneventful, Georgie slept for most of it, and ate cucumber for the rest- it is one of best teething tools I ever discovered! But yesterday afternoon was a mad rush of grocery shopping, since we came home to no food, mowing, as the lawn was out of control, and then rushing to music practice for church. So it has been nice to have a quiet day today where Georgie and I didn't do too much. That is one of the nice things about stay-at-home-motherhood. If you're feeling pretty stressed and the kids are off, you can just elect to have a quiet day sometimes.

I would post some photos, but the camera is in the car and the car is already in the shed, and I do not go into the shed at night unless I absolutely have to. I really don't like spiders. So..... that's about it. I had nothing really significant to say, and I've said it, but feel better for it.

Goodnight.

home again, home again, jiggity jig

We're home, and it was an.... interesting/fun/challenging weekend. More to follow later. Here's what kept me sane for much of the trip:

Georgie LOVES cucumber... she spent most of her time in the car either sleeping or doing this:

today we had fun

Tomorrow we are headed away until next Monday and I could not be happier! I so need to get outta dodge at the moment. I plan on drinking lots of coffee, eating yummy food, visiting shops and maybe even a museum or an art gallery. Although, we will have Georgie with us, so maybe I won't set my expectations too high since the poor baby's teeth have still not come through yet. However, we are also going to see Wicked! (insert happy dance here) without Georgie, and I can't wait!

Dedication

Little Miss Georgie was dedicated yesterday. We've had a horrible few days.... days when I cried- a lot. Days when you wonder why you are married, why you even bother working, why we live in this little town... why we even follow God. It's funny, but I really do think life would be so much easier if we just didn't try sometimes, you know?

And I know we've just come out of a huge battle. But anyway, in the midst of all this stress and general horribleness. Georgie was dedicated. To be honest, I actually forgot that that's what we were doing this weekend. I got so caught up in getting her little outfit organised, worrying if Shane's parents would come and what that could mean, thinking about friends of ours that were coming, organising lunch, remembering that Shane was on Communion on Sunday and helping him and praying about that, plus I had to have my mandatory 'What on earth am I going to wear?' freak out (just once I'd love to be comfortable in my own skin). 

But, as usual, things worked out. Georgie looked cute, Shane's Mum came to the dedication, and I think even though she probably thought we were a bit odd (and really, to the outside world we are) it was okay, Shane did a great job of communion, our friends came and lunch was nice- and I was dressed and I know I looked fine, even if I can't feel that good about myself at the moment.  But I forgot all about Georgie. It wasn't until the Pastor mentioned the dedication and what it means that I got out of my head. When we went up to the front and my Dad prayed for Georgie and started talking about the generational faith, and the Pastor prayed for her I remembered that God was in it. And it hit me.

Yesterday was so much more than I made it. It was Shane and I, uniting with God to raise Georgie.  Dedicating her life to God. It was us, holding ourselves accountable to our friends, family and our church, to ensure that we raise Georgina to know God.... giving her up to God. It reminded me of what's important. Not what we wear or how we feel- but who HE is.

Georgie..... Isn't she just beautiful?

My Dad talking about Georgie and about to pray. We are so blessed by family.

Pastor Shane praying for Georgie. We are so blessed in our church.

So now I'm going to try to remember, and recognize. Of course we had a horrible weekend. We have just done a very important thing, and the enemy did not like it. They fought it every step of the way.

But what we are doing is worth fighting for.