Sunday, September 29, 2013

Life, lately

I use this blog as a brain dump. It's the place where I talk about all the stuff in my head, and sometimes (especially lately) I know some of that stuff has been a bit angsty (that is SO a word).  I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between writing things I need to write, verses writing things nobody needs to read, so I have been a bit quiet lately. But today I am here to tell you that things in Robyn's brain are not all dark and sad, I promise!

So I thought I'd share a little bit of what's been going on lately. I have been

  • Making so many salads. So many versions of this.

Though my version is not quite so pretty. [Image]

  •  Spending a lot of time on this website. It is so much more awesome than words can say.
  •  Sitting, waiting, wishing for holidays. 12 more days!
  •  Going to the gym regularly, and I am really proud of myself. I can feel myself getting stronger and faster and fitter. My progress is slow (it would be a lot quicker if I could get my eating habits in line too) but there is progress and it is good. It is also so good for my head.
  • Listening to a lot of Bastille. I do like them. If you are familiar with Miley Cyrus and her recent stuff, you will appreciate just how clever this is:

  •   Listening to a lot of wailing and squealing. Georgie has been the biggest drama queen lately. It's getting to the stage where Charlie just has to come near her, and raise his arm in a threatening manner (with a huge cheeky grin on his face) and she will run away screaming like he has stabbed her. I am trying to teach her that she has some responsibility for the way he treats her, and we are chanting "Stop Charlie! I don't like it!" often.
  • Spending a lot of time in water. We have been at the swimming pool a fair few times this week, and we have also done a lot of this:

  •   Making more time for friends. Getting to know new people who I really like.
  • Cleaning out toy-boxes and cupboards. Getting on top of the extra jobs. This weeks big task is to sort out the winter/summer clothes changeover.
  •  Trying to find the fun more. One very fun moment this week was watching my poor husband practice his diving at the pool. (He cannot dive. It is so funny to watch him try.) One particularly hilarious diving attempt has been giving me the giggles all weekend every time I remember it. Also, this:
Parrot boy.
  •   Leaving the kids with my Mother-in-law more lately. It has been really good (for all of us). I think it might be much easier to be a Grandma sometimes when the Mummy isn't around.
  • Still struggling hugely with being a less angry, less stressed version of myself. But I have also been sneaking into my children's room to snuggle and pray for them and love them after they are asleep. I am getting there. 
Sleeping princess

I am getting there.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Right now, it is a bit tough.

I read a story today that asked the question, "what are you doing in your life to glorify God?" and really, I don't know. I don't feel like anything I do is worthy of Him. I feel constantly, that I am not enough.

The truth is, I'm struggling again. We've had a few curve-balls that seem to have come our way lately, and our family is... weary. The kids have been very, very out of sorts. Both of them have been extremely clingy. Shane has just put in notice at his work, it was necessary, and hopefully it will be a good thing, but it comes with a whole host of mixed emotions. It doesn't help that he is married to a woman who hates change. He is going to go back and work with his parents for a while, and we will just see where that leads. He has also just had a couple of wisdom teeth out this week, so he is a sad panda right now.

And me? I don't know what I am lately. I am just shuffling along. Putting one foot in front of the other. I have been very, very busy these past few months and I think I may have come to earth with a bit of a bang this week. I just know I want to be better, at everything. I feel inadequate, in all that I do.

I just can't seem to see the good at the moment. I look around my house, and even though I know it's not that bad, all I see are jobs that need doing, things that need organizing, and messes that need cleaning. I wake up, and I am tired. Just so tired. I am tired of feeling so amazingly angry all the time, these white-hot flashes of rage that consume me, where I feel like my head could just explode, over stupid little, oh-so-aggravating things.

I feel like a shitty mother who is disengaged from her children, but the sad truth is that I don't want to be engaged with them. It just feels like it requires too much of me, all the time, this parenting thing. There is just so much to do.There are so many different and important things that I need to get right. Are they eating well? (no) watching too much TV? (yes) behaving well? (no) learning how to be nice? (no) happy? (no). It is just too much. I am failing, all the time I am failing. It's really hard to believe that I am the best person for this job.

I can't seem to shake all my fears and my worries at the moment. I feel guilty that my Mum looks after the kids too much, and I feel like a failure as a wife. I worry about my parents and Shane's parents getting older, I watched my Mother kneeling in the garden the other afternoon, and the way she looked from the back reminded me of my Grandmother and fear gripped my heart. I'm not ready to be without a safety net. The world is a scary, confusing, terrifying place to live at times, and I don't know how to push away all this negativity swirling in my brain. Nothing is certain, but God. I am not in control, and oh, sometimes I just wish I was!

I was at a ladies night at our church this week (which I actually didn't love, to be honest) but I did get one nugget of goodness in it, when we were asked to think of a verse to dwell on, for ourselves, and the one that popped into my head was from John 16:33. (In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world). And I know, I know, I just need to fix my eyes on Jesus. I need to trust and believe that God is in control. But, (like always) it's the practical element of my faith that is the hardest. Knowing I need to trust in Him, and actually trusting Him, are two very different things.

I don't really expect any answers, or positive words, or anything at all really. I know where (or with Whom) my solution lies. And I know that things are really not that bad. Maybe, probably, after a good night's sleep tonight (fingers crossed!) the world will be a brighter place. But it is nice to be able stand where I am right now, and acknowledge the struggle.

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. Psalm 139:8

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A little bit of free wisdom...

So, there is this thing that I have been learning, it's kind of like the theme to my life at the moment, and I thought I'd share it, a little bit of free wisdom, from me to you, if you will. You may already know this, who knows? But in any case, here it is:

Doing what is good, and kind, and right... doing exactly what God wants you to do..... will often make you feel like a giant tool.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The kind of Mother I am.

Okay. So. It's no secret that I find motherhood much harder than I thought I would. I worry sometimes about the impression I give to the people around me, about what it is like to be a parent. I especially worry that people who witness my messy, tired, stressed, attempts at child-rearing, may choose not to have children based on what they see from me.

Shane and I, we have trouble learning how to be unselfish enough to parent well. It doesn't come easily to us, and every win is hard-fought. There are people who seem to be so much better at it. There are people who actually seem to enjoy parenting and settle into domesticity well, people who don't get cranky at the thought of another dirty nappy or tiny little hands grabbing everything they shouldn't. There are people whose kids sleep well, and people who have much, much more patience than we do.

Sometimes I do wonder if we are finished having children, and I've been asked why I think I want more. I immediately read that as: "You are so crap at parenting, are you sure you should be having more children?" (I freely admit this is my twisted mind and may have no link with reality.)

The truth is, I don't know. I don't know if I will ever be ready for another child. I would like to have another baby, because I want to be able to enjoy it again. But I know that the time is most definitely not now. I do feel like our family is unfinished. But only time will tell. I am struggling with parenting well. I want to be present, I want to be engaged, and I do find it incredibly difficult to do so.

I wish I could wax lyrical about milk spilled on floors, and crumbs all over the floor. I wish I could find the beauty in snot dribbling down tiny faces, or poop smeared on a toilet seat. Occasionally I do. But mostly? That stuff just really pisses me off.

I am not the poster child for beautiful motherhood. I am not that person. But I am the person who loves her kids. With a deep, crazy dear-god-I-wish-I-could-just-eat-you-because-you-are-mine kind of love. I am the Mum wanting to smack my kids for continuing to open and slam a door, while I  write a blog post about how much I love them. I am the Mother who is going to dance around in an insane love haze with my children one minute, and then scream at them for fighting with each other all the damn time the next minute. I am always going to try to better and I am going to love them. That's the kind of Mother I am.


Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT for the first time in ages!
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