Being trapped, and not knowing how to do this.
You know what sucks? Being stuck in a crappy situation, that you have absolutely no control over.
I didn't realise that I would be so bad at parenting. I thought I would be better, kinder, more fun, more patient. Without the Wiggles, I'd be screwed.
How can I teach my child self control, when I have none? How can she learn how to love unconditionally, when I don't? How do I make their world stable and safe and secure, when my world isn't? How do I teach them patience, and kindness and compassion when I have none? The further in I go in motherhood, the more I am convinced that I am just not the right person for the job.
I thought I was an okay person before I had kids. Not, you know, the best person in the world, but okay. But as a parent, I really don't like myself. It would be so nice to give in. To stop, and be lazy, and not think, not follow routine, not have to do. But I can't. These tiny people need me.
I just don't know what to do.
When my little girl cries and screams and hits and kicks when she wakes up. It breaks my heart. I don't know what is wrong, why she is sad, and it hurts me. But it also makes me angry. I want to smack her and shout at her to just stop it! I just want to be able to fix it, and I don't know how.
I don't know how to care for these people, my family. I don't know how to meet their needs. I don't know how to meet my needs. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like I can't do anything right. I hate feeling left out, and I hate dealing with insecurities that I thought I'd managed to leave in high-school. I hate this. I hate the weakness. As far as I'm concerned, you put on a brave face and keep fighting. Whining about it won't do you any good. Just keep going, and eventually you'll get there.
I suck at this.