Monday, May 30, 2011

“Danger, Will Robinson!”

In the next couple of weeks I will be operating without a safety net. Shane is working away and Mum and Dad have gone away for (a very much needed) holiday. But I am very scared. I know many people deal with husbands away much more than I do, and they do it without a close family network too! But I am just very used to being able to collapse in a heap with my Mummy when I need to when Shane's not around. So I am really not looking forward to this.

I don't want my blog to be a place of negativity and woe. But, it is where I get my words out, and at the moment, they are weary.

I am trying hard to see the good, to stop myself from getting too down, from catching myself before I fall. But it is hard. And I am just so, so tired. All I want is to sleep for a hundred years. (I am so jealous of that princess right now).

I've just had one of the hardest weeks with Georgie ever. She has had a viral bug that has given her temperatures, an upset tummy and a heck of a lot of grumpiness. But I think we are just about out the other side now. It's been especially rough because Shane has just been away for a couple of weeks, he had one weekend off and we didn't really get to enjoy it because Georgie was sick and miserable, and he was sick too. And now he is back at work for goodness know how long.

But, I am going to get through this. Even if it's just one second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time.

We love each other. Life is really not that bad and things will not always be this way.

And at the moment I think this is my mantra.

There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

I just have to remember that this is just a time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I've kind of got the opposite of bloggers block happening lately. I've got a lot of posts to write but don't feel like they're ready to be written yet. And there's a whole lot of stuff happening here lately so maybe I'll just catch you up on that first, ok? ok.

So.... I am pregnant again.

I am terrified, excited, exhausted. I hope all will be well with this new little one but must admit I'm a little daunted at the idea of having two children so close together. Georgie will be roughly 18 months when this baby is born. I'm about 8 weeks along and the due date was originally the 25th of December (!) but has been pushed back to the 2nd of January, however the sonographer wasn't 100% on that, he still thought it would be earlier so I'm not putting too much on that date yet. But after Christmas would be really nice. (You hear that little one?). Right now I'm not too sick yet, or at least, not really sick like I was with Georgie, but I am so, so, so, tired. However, I'm hoping that may pass (for a little while at least).

It's funny, we weren't trying but we weren't not. (If that makes sense?) We kind of decided to trust God. And, while I'm happy, because I know that this is his timing... I'm still a little overwhelmed. I knew that he would give us another baby when we were ready but I kind of thought I'd feel ready, you know? But anyway, I am very, very grateful for this blessing (because I know that this doesn't come so easy to many others) and am just trusting that He will help us through. I am also extremely grateful that a pregnancy takes 9 months! At least I've got a fair bit of time to prepare.... mind you I must admit that I'm thinking only 7 months to go! and freaking out slightly. But we'll just do the best we can.

Also, after being away for about a week and a half, Shane is home! It's so nice! I really really missed him, and am not sure how I'm going to cope with him being away so much (which is going to happen frequently in the near future).... but for now I'm just enjoying him. The poor boy is quite unwell, he's had a cold that has turned into an ear infection so he really needs to be at home taking it easy right now.

Georgie is also sick, though not with what he's got. She seems to have what appears to be a virus. But she is mostly just really miserable. She's had a lot of temperatures, and a bit of an upset stomach and is just so not herself. I can't put her down at all the moment. We've been to the Doctor and are pretty sure that it's viral but are doing a couple of tests to check (Also, how HARD is it to try and get urine sample from a nappy-wearing, 11 month old baby!?) But she is sleeping a lot, and I'm just hoping that this bug will pass quickly.

And.... I think that's all for now. I am so very tired and my bed is calling me. Plus I don't know how long it will be before Georgie wakes up again so I really should try to sleep while I can. But I wanted to catch up.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

No I'm not dead

I have been internet-less for the past week as we have been switching our providers, but it is so good to be back now! Although I must admit I have been doing an awful lot more without it. I have a few posts brewing but am too tired tonight to write too much. I'll try to get on tomorrow and do some catching up then.

Monday, May 16, 2011

the taste of grey...

There is an old lady who lives down the road from me. She has lived in that house for as long as I can remember. Every afternoon she and her dog, Rosie go for a walk. Rosie doesn't need a leash. They always walk the same path. Two slow moving figures at the exact same time, every day.

I long for that kind of predictability. For routine. Yet at the same time, the idea of it makes me feel stifled, claustrophobic.

I don't want to whine or moan. I hate it when you read from other people's perspectives and it's all doom and gloom and negativity. Most of the time I think of myself as an optimist. But today has just been.... awful.

I miss Shane. But it's not just that. Georgie has been quite grumpy, and every time she has gone to sleep the dogs have woken her up with her barking, or the phone has rung. I've been tired (exhausted!). But it's not even all that. It's just a general pervading greyness that has hovered around and oozed over me all day.

I have not done a single productive thing. The house looks exactly the same as it did this morning- maybe even messier. I have been a grumpy, horrible, fishwife all day. And I hate that, you know? I hate that all day Georgie has been around a grumpy person. I don't want my baggage to colour her world. I know it has to, to some extent. You simply can't help that if you love. But I don't like it when I let my baggage become all-consuming.

I am just so tired of my life. I want routine. I want to be able to look at the clock in the afternoon and be able to think, 'Shane will be home in X amount of hours'. And even when he's home, we never get that. There's always work to do. Time off is rarely completely time off. There's a blessing and a curse of working in a family business and working within a disorganised, chaotic industry. But I want to look forward to weekends and make plans. I want to be able to look forward to things with certainty instead of hope. Far too often we don't make concrete plans because we just don't know if we're going to be able to keep them. We say, might, or should, or hope to. Not yes.

Now please, don't judge me. I know I'm having a pity party, but I am allowed to! I promise I am trying to get out of this soon. And I know there are so many people who are dealing with issues that are so, so much bigger and harder than this. But right now, for me? This is my hard. We all have our own problems. And no, there is nothing we can do. This is it for the next couple of years at least. I'm really not trying to make people feel sorry for me either. But I just want to get this out, your know? And I'd like to know if we're not alone. If anyone else has to deal with this kind of thing?

Because right now, it's just not fair.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

When your husband works away....

I am very fortunate. In the choice of partners I did very well. And I never notice it more than when he has to go away.

Right now Shane is working away for at least a week. Now, compared to most families who deal with working in the oil and gas industry, we are lucky. Shane does not work on a very strict roster, he does not have to camp away too much. He always tries to get home every night when he can. His parents are pretty good to us and always try to keep Shane around our area when they can. But right now all of the work is away- so for the next little while, he will be away. And it is hard.

I got spoiled you see. Much of the work he has been doing has been around our town. We have also had a lot of rain. So consequently, Shane has been around a great deal. Pretty much ever since Georgie was born, in fact. So now I am getting used to being alone again. But it is harder still with a baby. Every day I am used to waiting for the night. Waiting for another adult to come home to talk to and share the load with. (And he does share the load well) Now it's just me.

I get angry sometimes, at people with ordinary jobs. At women who complain and moan about their husbands always working, when they get to see them on the weekends and every night. I want a weekend dammit! But I know I need to be reminded that we all have our personal crosses to bear.

I never appreciate him more than when he goes away. Now I have to start the fire at night. I have to wait until Georgie goes to bed before I have my dinner because otherwise it is just too difficult. When Shane is home he will generally help out with bathing Georgie or feeding her or putting her to bed. He might get dinner started or cooked if I need him to. And it's even more than that. It's that person to smile at and talk to when there's something funny or interesting on television. It's that warm body to snuggle up to in bed, after I've had to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby. It's someone to sigh to, when she won't go to sleep easily or when she wakes up when she should be asleep. It's someone to say "I'll go this time" occasionally. It's waking up to a warm house because he's started the fire when he wakes up early. It's just Shane.

He's mine, you know? He's the rest of me. I just miss him. And life just feels a little wrong when he's not around.

It's not that bad really. I need to make sure I don't let myself get too down. But it's also the fear. Just that tiny niggling fear, that people die. Some husbands don't come back from work occasionally. Especially in the transport industry. And who's to say that it won't be my husband one of these days?

So tomorrow I'll be okay. And even now it's really not that bad. At least I can call him and talk to him most of the time. He's not even that far away. And, most importantly, he doesn't want to be away. I know that whenever he has a choice, he always chooses us. He loves his family. I really did win with him. Don't get me wrong, he's no saint. Some days he drives me so crazy I could just hit him, (and do- ha! spoon) But he is pretty good. Besides, it's not even for that long. Hopefully (that's another post- the disorganisation and uncertainty that is the oil and gas industry) he will be home by next weekend.

But right now I just really miss my husband.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I just want to lie on the floor and moan....

At the moment I am in the throes of disgusting-cold-with-bonus-nausea-and-upset-tummy-just-for-funsies. So I figure it's probably best not to write too much as everything in my world seems to be tinged with yuck at the moment.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share a few photos from our camping trip we took over the weekend at the Carnarvon George. It was fun mixed with a little hell-on-earth when you added my sickness and Georgie's sleeping (or lack theroef) into the mix. But we still had a pretty good weekend.

I promise a real blog post with words will come soon but right now I need to get off the computer because I'm getting dizzy.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

This is a long one people, but it's worth it if you like hearing about other's stupidity

I seem to have a talent for bumbling from one disaster to another, and today I am going to share things that will prove to you once and for all that I am just nuts, plain and simple.

Before I do though, a little back story. When Shane and I were engaged, I threw a bridal magazine at him. He ended up with an extremely fat lip and a great wedding story. It was awful. Also, my sister and brother in law live next door to us in the house that my Grandmother used to own. They are renting it, but it is in the process of being sold and my Uncles are doing maintenance on it. You're probably going 'What the?' But I promise you, this has a point.

So, on Tuesday night I was on the computer and Shane came in and wanted to use it. I was getting ready to go to bed but was being a bit silly and wanted a hug first. What followed was a wrestling, tickling match (and I'm sure we're not the only ones who are stupid like this!) but anyway, Shane was trying to grab my nose to pull it and it just seemed so terribly funny to me that I was in the midst of hysterical giggles, then I picked up a dessert spoon nearby from a recently finished bowl of ice cream and was trying to rap him on the knuckles with it (and really, I should have spotted the stupid there) but instead, he managed to get a hold of my nose and then I accidentally sent the spoon flailing.

It hit him across the face. Right in the eye.

Cue, screaming and crying- because he really had been whopped hard. We raced into the bathroom to try and inspect the damage and his eye was swollen and red with a cut above the other one. Apparently there was a fair bit of force behind the spoon. I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and, sobbing and crying "I'm so sorry honey!" I put it on his eye. By this time Georgie had woken up with all the noise and then I picked her up and we decided to go up to the hospital because you don't mess with eyes.

I drove up to the hospital, and  as I was driving all kinds of crazy was spewing forth "Oh God! You're going to go blind in one eye and it's not funny, (hiccup) because then you'll blame me and you'll never be able to forgive me (sob) and we'll have to get a divorce!" And "What if you can't work? What will we do?" And seriously, who does stuff like this? (Twice!) I am just my own special brand of crazy.

Anyway, we got to the hospital and a nurse admitted us and as soon as she heard what happened she could not stop laughing and it was not funny!! She checked his eyesight out which was fine (Thank God!) but we had to wait for a doctor anyway just to make sure. *Side note- when I said it could have just as easily been me, she said "Well it's a good job it wasn't because then we would have had to get the police involved" and I'm thinking, but what about battered husbands too? Fortunately, I think they could tell we were just two silly, silly people.

Anyway, after an hour (when Georgie was well and truly out of steam) the doctor came and checked his eye and eyesight again and then gave Shane some eye drops and ointment, and told Shane he  was really lucky... (great way to make me feel worse) We got home at midnight and poor Shane crashed for a very uncomfortable night and then I finally got Georgie back to sleep.

He thinks he's so funny.... portrait of a battered husband

I really did hurt him hey? So now he's alternating between thinking it's funny, and making me feel super guilty, blaming me for an extremely sore eye.

But wait, there's more!!

The next morning, after Shane had gone to work, I'd just got out of the shower while Georgie was having her morning nap. I'd put my bra in the dryer for five seconds just to dry out the morning dew and I did my hair and just put on my underwear. 

Now, our laundry is outside the back door, just off the deck. Our yard is reasonably secluded, most of the neighbours can't see in. Except for my sister and her husband next door.

So anyway, I went to the back door and ducked my head out and decided that I should be fine to do a quick half-nudie run to get my bra. My sister and her husband would both be at work and all the other neighbours wouldn't be able to see anything. There was nobody around.

Can't you just guess what's coming next?

So I dash outside into the laundry and grab my bra, I had just stepped through the laundry door and was standing on the back deck, exposed, when I caught sight of my Uncle Ken. Next door. In the backyard. With a  complete view. He turned his back as soon as I saw him and I raced back into the laundry. I sat there for a few minutes with my face buried thinking 'What the hell do I do now?' and eventually got on my hands and knees and crawled back into the house.

Oh, but this stories not over yet, friends.

So, that afternoon, I went over to Mum's and recounted the story for her amusement. That night, I got a phone call from Mum. 

"I just phoned your Uncle Ken and he didn't see anything."


"He said he would have put his glasses on if he'd known!"

Awesome. Just awesome.

So yeah.... that is my terrible tale of woe and stupidity. I am sure there are people who are normal and don't do things like this. I swear some days I was just put on this earth for God's amusement. One day I just want to be a grown up. Just a nice normal grown up. Is that too much to ask?

Dear Georgie,

At the moment you are asleep and it is 9:30am. But I'm letting you have a sleep in because we are both sick and we had a bad night. I have been up and listening for you so much last night because we went to the Doctor yesterday and she put me on guard for croup, something that, even though is very treatable now, is still very scary. I've read too many old books I guess.

It's funny, I woke up and I have had a nice child-free breakfast, and shower and have done my morning jobs, and now I have had some time on the computer without a little girl at my feet, and at first it was so delicious, some precious 'me' time, without you.........But now, I am lonely. I like my little girl. Life was much easier, and much more selfish without you. But it's a whole lot nice with you. I'm so glad God gave you to me.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Beautiful Sunday

This afternoon I had to drive Shane out to his parents place to pick up a truck. We left at that beautiful time of day when the sun is just right and there is a gorgeous haze. Plus, Georgie was doing these ones:

It was a stunning afternoon.

This is why I would hate to live in the city. I love living somewhere where I can go for a drive and within two minutes can see sights like this. I love the space.

Embracing it

We have been away and I was going to write a catch-up blog post. But instead I am very, very, very, tired, and I was going to go to sleep. Georgie however, had different ideas. She is teething and after being asleep, since 7pm,  has now decided to wake up and be deliriously happy, and there is nothing I fear I can do to get her to sleep yet (aside from maybe trying to go for a drive, but I think that could result in an accident) So she is playing on the floor beside me and I am embracing it, dammit!

Here is a timeline of how our night has been so far:

7:00pm- After a feed and a dose of panadol Georgie went down for the night. (Ha!) Then Mummy went and cooked dinner and was just sitting down to eat it and watch Anne of Green Gables. 

7:38pm- Mummy and Daddy were halfway through eating when a little girl started to cry. Mummy went in and patted her back to sleep while her dinner got cold.

7:53pm - 9:30pm- Georgie went back to sleep and Mummy went back to eating dinner. Then Mummy and Daddy had bowl of ice cream watching Anne of Green Gables while Daddy did some study. Then Mummy got up and did some tidying, hung out some washing and cleaned the bathroom. Daddy decided to go to bed and Mummy went to bed to give him a cuddle.

9:31pm- As Mummy and Daddy were cuddling, Georgie cried. Mummy went back in and gave Georgie a top up feed then put her back to bed.

9:31pm- 9:45pm- Mummy went and had a shower and put the dog out and then got into bed for a minute. Then she heard the little girl cry again. 

9:45pm- Mummy walked into Georgie's room to smell a very stinky bottom. She changed the smelly girl and then tried to get her back to sleep.

And tried.

And tried.
Mummy patted the baby, she rocked the baby, she fed the baby. She tried to give the baby teething gel. The baby girl alternated between crying, rubbing her eyes, almost going to sleep, playing and looking wide awake.

Mummy swore.

11:49pm- Mummy decided she'd had enough and took the little girl to bed with her. Georgie started laughing and playing and rolling over Mummy and Daddy. Then she woke up Daddy who was not happy to be awake.

12:03am- Mummy decided she didn't know what else to do and felt like her eyeballs were about to fall out, so she took the little girl back to her bed to cry. Georgie lay in her bed and played for a while before she then got upset and cried, then screamed. Mummy cried.

12:10am- Daddy got up and tried to pat little girl. Georgie screamed louder because Daddy was not Mummy. Daddy tried to change Georgie and she screamed like she was being murdered. Mummy got out of bed and walked into Georgie's room and then she magically stopped and started smiling again. Mummy and Daddy almost cried. Mummy decided to try to give the little girl Neurofen so Daddy held Georgie while she coughed and spluttered and cried. (She likes the taste of panadol, but not neurofen)

12:23am- Mummy decided she was going to embrace it and told Daddy to go back to bed. Then Mummy put on some music and she and Georgie walked around the dark house. Georgie laughed and played and did not act tired at all, so Mummy decided to write a blog post after all.

Now it is 1:14am and Georgie is just starting to get a bit of a whinge going so I am going to put on some more music and try again.

Please pray for us.

And finally, just because this is my blog and I can do whatever I please, for your viewing pleasure, here is a music video by Tenth Avenue North called You are More.

Is good.

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